It’s been too long. I miss you. How are you? Did you miss me? Did you wonder where I was? I’m sorry- I’ll refrain from expressing my blog-separation anxiety.
But, truly, it’s been too long. And it’s been because of my hustling, bustling, swerving, curving day-to-day.
This past weekend, as you know, was Presidents’ Day weekend… which meant one extra day of rest and an excuse to be spontaneous. For the first weekend in a while, I found rest and even peace-of-mind.
If you’ve been reading my blog, you probably know I’ve been in a tough season of life. And since my last post (Escaping a Drought), I’ve been doing much better. But there’s still been trial.
If I could explain it to you in a feeling, I wake up most mornings with a weight on me. It’s an emotional and spiritual and mental weight. A weight I’ll attribute to worry and anxiety over how to fix everything that’s been going “wrong” in my life. But something changed this weekend (slowly, not all at once) that lifted the weight and calmed my anxieties. In 72 hours, God taught me a pretty hefty lesson- one I thought I knew, but realized I hadn’t been properly applying to my life.
First, I must say that much of my realization was due to long and brutally honest talks with my closest friend. I truly recommend having a close friend or a roommate or a mentor serve as an unconditional accountability partner. Let them know that you’re willing to pour out your soul and your deepest thoughts to them… and from them you expect nothing less than the truth, no matter how unpleasant.
So… enough with the vagueness, here is what became apparent to me this weekend: My problem for the past few weeks has not been the problems I continuously face; my problem has been trying to control these problems. Rather than accepting the difficulties that come my way, I’ve try to manipulate them in a one-fix-solution kind of way.
If I just pray that God will fix the situation or if I just eliminate a hurtful relationship gone from my life or if I just spend a day disconnected from society and pray and fast, then everything will be better, I think. I’ve been trying all of the above in attempt to set my life back on a prosperous track. I’ve been doing a lot, thinking a lot, saying a lot. But where have I left room for God to work?
Even though I was saying I was trusting God would fix my problems or make a path known to me, I wasn’t actually giving Him the power or space or trust to do so. While deep in my heart I know God’s plan will triumph, I’ve been putting up a fight in order for my own plans to unfold.
Funny thing is, nothing has been going my way. I suppose God couldn’t be screaming louder.
I thought it’d take a meltdown (of which I’ve had many) or a light bulb moment to turn around my circumstances, instead it took a long walk (or two), a day trip to Sacramento, and a pertinent message at church. It took fun and rest and enjoyment of God’s creation to recognize His hand in my life. My go, go go; do, do, do; fix, fix, fix attitude was keeping my eyes and heart transfixed on myself, my next move, how I was going to fix things. This weekend allowed me to see that God will indeed make all things work for my good and His good when trust is placed in Him… and Him alone.
The solution to my problems, I realized, is really not a solution at all. My plan is to have no plan of my own. My prayer is that I stay in prayer and remain content with how God is currently working.
I am confident that I will see a light at the end of this tunnel and, when I look back to this turbulent season, I will see the beauty and wisdom it produced.