It occurred to me last night, after my first official 24 hours living completely alone in Davis for the summer, that I was going to be lonely. There is just no escaping it, I figured. Living in an apartment alone is just simply lonely.
And as the night rolled on, I began to allow feelings of loneliness creep into my being and thoughts of loneliness pass through my mind. I read my Bible alone, watched a movie alone, ate dinner alone.
Gosh, I’m so sad. I thought to myself. I feel like an old maid or something.
But then it occurred to me that my loneliness was my own doing, rather than a consequence of my physical state.
Sure, I’m living in 4 bedroom apartment of which only one room is occupied by, well, me. But since when was this a sentence for loneliness? For feeling miserable and unloved and unwanted?
No, this issue I was facing and this aching in my heart was a lot deeper than my living situation and physical condition. This loneliness was/is a condition of my heart and a reflection of my relationship with Christ.
Jesus said in John 16, “Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me. I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.”
This is a reminder that we, as believers, are never alone. Our Father, our God is always with us, always watching us, and always adoring us.
So, as a believer, who am I to whine and weep over living alone for a couple months? It occurred to me that this was equal to telling God that He is not sufficient for me, that his love is not enough, that I don’t need Him and want something (rather someone) else. In telling myself how lonely I was, I was really denying God’s promise to me… a promise to always love and protect and comfort me in my weakness.
Now, I am not saying that this summer is not going to be challenging in a lot of ways. I am not saying that personal relationships and socializing is not important. I just think it’s silly that I have failed to see until this point that loneliness is a lot deeper than just being physically alone.
So, my plans for when I begin to feel lonely? I’m first going to pray, I’m going to read books and make crafts and cook new foods. I’m going to call up my friends or write a blog post or go for a run. Most of all, I am going to take heart in the fact that my Savior died so that I can be intimately connected with God and never have to feel alone.